


Life Viewed Through a Broken Mirror

by GlitterAndDoom



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Ficlet Collection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-15
Updated: 2010-12-15
Packaged: 2017-10-13 16:51:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterAndDoom/pseuds/GlitterAndDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six different realities. A collection of ficlets written for the gay_xmas_elves exchange on LiveJournal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Viewed Through a Broken Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Life Viewed Through a Broken Mirror  
>  **Characters/Pairings:** Adam/Brad, Adam/Tommy  
>  **Warnings:** Strong Language, Angst, Abuse (one ficlet--ficlet #2)  
>  **Author's Notes:** Written for **sinsrose** for **gay_xmas_elves**. Six ficlets, five based on songs provided by the recipient, one bonus track.  
>  **Beta:** The fabulous [](http://eclectic.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**eclectic**](http://eclectic.dreamwidth.org/) , who keeps turning my fics to awesome.

_What if what I want makes you sad at me  
And is it all my fault or can I fix it please  
Cause you know that I'm always all for you _  
\- "What If?" Safetysuit

The words wouldn't come. He would get close to saying " _I love you_ ," so close, so, _so_ close, but then he'd make a joke instead, and Adam would laugh, and he'd want to make Adam laugh again, because the way his face crinkled and his eyes and smile went from bright to blinding were the cutest things Brad had ever seen.

" _I love you_." Three words, none longer than four letters, all with one lone syllable that meant no more loneliness. Or maybe meant more loneliness. He felt safe in Adam's strong arms, against his soft and warm body, in the light of his big, kind heart, safe and cherished and loved.

Adam was _special_ , and, God, if he fucked this up like he did everything else...

He tried to keep quiet. He said " _I love you_ " in gestures and kisses and touch, not words, anything but words. Words could hurt him. Words could hurt Adam. " _I love you_ " could become " _I hate you._ "

But he never could keep his mouth shut. He said it, and his heart stuttered to a stop. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move. His mind raced. Time slowed to a crawl.

And then, Adam smiled.

_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?_  
 _That's alright because I like the way it hurts_  
\- "Love the Way You Lie," Eminem ft. Rihanna

The memories always got to him. The memories of Adam setting his world on fire with lingering kisses and gentle touches, of screaming fans and overwhelming adrenaline and sweet, delicious friction. The memories of kind, brilliant Adam, who had light in his eyes and warmth in his heart and _potential_ , so much potential, until some cunt with a gun ruined everything.

Now, Adam smelled like alcohol and sweat instead of fine cologne and soft leather. Now, Adam spoke with a rasp, if he bothered to speak at all, instead of singing like—fuck, he never could figure out what Adam sang like, so pure and powerful the memories still gave him chills. Now, Adam's hands left bruises instead of comfort.

Tommy bit his searing, bloodied lip, looked into Adam's face defiantly, saw...nothing. No traces of the man who'd made him amazing, no signs of life, while Tommy still smoldered for someone beautiful and forgotten. " _I miss you_ ," he wanted to say. It wouldn't matter. Adam wasn't Adam anymore, lost to a shell made of alcohol, pain, and emptiness. He wanted _Adam_ , not...this.

"I love you." His eyes burned, his lip stung, but he didn't cry. "But I can't do this anymore."

_There's always another wound to discover  
There's always something more you wish he'd say_  
\- "Everything You Want," Vertical Horizon

Sometimes, the house of cards made of " _I'm okay_ " and " _I'm happy_ " would crash and burn at his feet. When life became too much, Adam would be there with warm, strong arms and soft, sweet lips, always there when Tommy needed someone to cling to until the world stopped exploding and he remembered how to breathe. Adam never judged, never made him feel like his pain wasn't real enough or worthy enough, never made him feel like falling apart made him less of a person or less of a man. He made Tommy smile, said everything he needed to hear, everything he _wanted_ to hear, except...

It was far too easy to fall in love with Adam Lambert.

Adam was pure intensity, blurring the lines between friendly affection and full-blown love. The more they touched, the more Tommy wondered, and the more he wondered, the more he pushed, until they were waking up in each other's beds almost every morning and clinging to each other like magnets. He almost didn't notice anything was missing, until he said, "I love you," yet again and Adam merely kissed his cheek and walked away.

He stared after Adam, and he continued to wonder.

 _Lights will guide you home_  
 _And ignite your bones_  
 _And I will try to fix you_  
\- "Fix You," Coldplay

Instead of throwing himself at Adam like all the other pretty boys who came backstage, the one with the two-toned hair and gruesome tattoos had gushed over his voice. In the middle of his raving, he caught sight of Adam's expression and stopped and said, " _Are you okay?_ "

It had been the eyes that did him in, big, brown, and earnest, eyes promising safety and comfort. Adam shook his head, half-expecting the boy to sneer and walk away. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Adam, pulling him into a warm, tight hug.

Tommy was a godsend. Adam was the listener and the fixer, the one who always helped and never judged. And so was Tommy. When Adam rambled about how he didn't know why Brad suddenly said, " _This isn't working anymore_ ," or about how much his heart still ached and bled, or how alone and imperfect and unworthy he felt, Tommy was there with a hug and a word or two, and Adam never felt like he should be helping Tommy's problems instead.

But Tommy was as gorgeous as he was sweet, and kept looking at him like he was the center of the universe, and dammit, if that didn't hurt, too.

As the pain of losing Brad started fading away, the pain of not having Tommy for his own crept in around the edges. With each hug, each touch, each shared glance, Adam wanted him more. And Tommy would melt against him until he almost couldn't feel where Tommy ended and he began, would stare at him with those adoring eyes that made his heart skip a beat, would make him feel like maybe—just maybe—he had done nothing wrong.

And when he ran into Brad at Starbucks, and they hugged like old friends, his heart finally didn't ache when he walked away.

When he got back to his apartment, Tommy was sitting outside, waiting. "I saw Brad today," Adam said, and a brief look of hurt flashed across Tommy's face, so quickly he almost didn't notice. "And it was okay." He held out a hand and helped Tommy to his feet, then reached out and brushed a thumb across his cheek. "But he wasn't you."

Tommy swallowed, and he looked into Adam's eyes. His lips parted slightly, and Adam leaned down and gave him a sweet, slow, lingering kiss.

And when Tommy kissed back, Adam remembered how to smile.

_Why did you change?  
Why did you bend and break?  
When the water turned to wine, did it feel the same?_  
\- "Structure," InnerPartySystem

One rejection too many, one blow too many, and Brad was knocking on Adam's door, swaying on his feet, stinking of cigarettes and cheap alcohol, his makeup a tear-smeared mess running down his face. "I can't handle this anymore," he whispered, his voice a broken wreck as he leaned against the door frame. "Everything keeps going wrong, I'm never gonna make it, and I—" His voice broke, and he flung himself into Adam's arms. Adam pulled him close, holding on tight, and Brad whispered, "I thought he and I were gonna _work,_ I really did. But he—" Brad swallowed, and Adam kissed the top of his head and rubbed his back. "And then I didn't get that part I wanted, and all my stuff's stopped selling, and everything's...I can't, Adam...I just..."

"Oh, honey." Gently, Adam guided Brad into the house and over to the couch, then grabbed a box of tissues and offered them. Instead of accepting, Brad crawled into Adam's lap and buried his face against his chest. "Sweetie." Adam tilted Brad's chin up and urged him to look in his eyes. "Talk to me."

Brad did, spilling his heart and insecurities as he clung to Adam. How his life was going nowhere, how _Cheeks_ was going nowhere, how everyone had a life but him, how everyone was _different_. "Everyone's changing so much, everyone's so _happy_ , and _I'm_ supposed to be the happy, sparkly one, but...I'm not. I can't get a break, my boyfriend dumped me and kicked me out, the guy I love..." Brad stopped, and he flung himself out of Adam's lap like he'd been burned. "I have to go."

"Brad, what?" He hurried to stop Brad before he could reach the door. "The man you love _what?_ "

"Don't." Brad hugged himself and turned away. " _Please_ ," he whispered. "I shouldn't have...God, I _knew_ I'd end up saying something stupid. Why did I..." He slumped, and gave Adam a helpless look. "There's never...I'm never gonna be over you. It's...it's always gonna be you. But I don't know if you're _you_ anymore, and I..."

Before Brad could say anything else, Adam wrapped him in his arms again. "I'm still me. I still love you."

Brad's head jerked up, and he looked at Adam with wet eyes. "But I..."

"Shh." He quieted Brad with a soft kiss. "It's gonna be okay."

And maybe he could even make Brad believe it.

_If I had you_  
 _That would be the only thing I'd ever need_  
 _Yeah, if I had you_  
 _The money, fame, and fortune never could compete_  
\- "If I Had You," Adam Lambert

The universe seemed to be on his side, because, somehow, Adam held it together until the introductions. His heart was beating out of his chest, his palms were sweating so much he was afraid he'd drop the mic, and every time he had a second to think, his mind went back to the ring hidden away in his pocket and everything that could go wrong. Would he lose the ring, would he fall apart, would he forget? Would Tommy say no? God, what if Tommy said no?

He almost asked during "Fever," almost dropped to his knees at the first "Would you be m-mine?" just so he would know, or "If I Had You," or any of the other songs, both appropriate and not. But he had a plan, and even though he thought it would drive him mad, he made it to, "And this is Tommy."

As he wrapped an arm around Tommy's shoulders, he felt his heart beating even harder, even faster. "As you all know," he began, his voice shaking, "this guy right here is really..." He choked as the first of the tears started, and Tommy turned and gave him a curious look as he fought them back. "This guy's really special. But I don't think any of you realize—" He pressed a kiss to Tommy's lips, soft and sweet, and the crowd went wild. "None of you know just how much he means to me."

He'd written out a whole speech, practiced it until he'd committed it to his memory, but he couldn't think of a single word of it, and Tommy was staring at him in confusion, and he couldn't wait anymore, so he let go and dropped down on one knee. "Tommy Joe Ratliff, will you marry me?"

The screams of the crowd were deafening, but he heard nothing, too caught up in Tommy's wide, shocked eyes and the fear twisting his insides as he fumbled in his pocket for the ring. "You make me..." He took a shuddering breath as the tears fell harder, and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "God, this is gonna sound so corny, but you make me wanna listen to music again, baby. You mean so, so much to me, and I—" Finally, he got the ring free, and he held it up to Tommy. "I need you."

Tommy's jaw dropped. "Holy _shit!_ That's…"

Whatever he was going to finish with was probably right. It was gaudy and glam and perfectly _them_ , gold shaped like a human heart and wrapped around a blood red ruby, and the way Tommy stared at it made Adam nearly fall over with nervous, hysterical laughter.

When he could finally speak again, he breathlessly said, "I know, right?" and gave Tommy a hopeful smile. "So, will you make this crazy bastard the happiest crazy bastard in the world?"

When Tommy didn't answer immediately, Adam stared at him imploringly and got to his feet, his knees quivering. Oh shit, Tommy was going to say no. He knew it. He was right. Tommy was going to refuse, and that would be it, everything would be over. He couldn't let that happen, but his thoughts were spinning too fast for him to _think_. Maybe if he sang... "If I had you," he began singing slowly. Even though that wasn't the right song, it was the first that popped into his head that seemed to fit. The rest of the band quickly picked it up, matching his gentle, lingering pace, "that would be the only thing I'd ever need." He caressed Tommy's cheek. Tommy's eyes fluttered closed, and he leaned into Adam's touch. "If I had you, then money, fame and fortune never could compete. If I—"

"Yes." Tommy opened his eyes, and he pulled a hand away from the bass to wrap it around Adam's. "You can have me. I'll marry you."

The mic and the ring fell from Adam's hands, and he threw his arms around Tommy and kissed him until he'd backed him against the platform behind them and the bass pressed painfully between them, until neither of them could breathe, barely aware of the crowd screaming so loud the auditorium shook or the band playing "The Wedding March" in the background. He never wanted to pull away, never wanted to let go, but when he did, he and Tommy shared brilliant, teary grins as the rest of the world came back.

With hands trembling as hard as Adam's, Tommy reached up and wiped the tears from Adam's cheeks and mouthed, "I love you so much, you badass motherfucker."

Adam's heart skipped a beat, and he let out a giddy laugh, grinning so hard his cheeks ached. "I love you more," he mouthed back, and kissed Tommy again.


End file.
